My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
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“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
Cigarette: Hey buddy.
Me: I don’t smoke anymore.
Cigarette: But buddy.
Me: NO.
Cigarette: Buddy?
Me: You do make a good point. Fine.
*goes outside*
*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*
*regrets today’s choice of underwear*
Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
“I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you and – oh sorry, wrong number.” – Liam Neeson in Mistaken
Hairstylist: so one of your sisters knows how to knit, crochet, and sew and the other one is an amazing cook/baker. What do you know how to do?
Me: Buy stuff
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.
As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe
ME: So when you’re saying mass is it the real you or are you using your altar ego lol
PRIEST: *rolling up his sleeves* Forgive me Lord for what I am about to do
Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.
“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”
My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
Husband: Should we hit the gym today?
Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?
Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing
Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys
my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s