Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:
“Did the boys show you the movie they made that’s 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?”
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Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.
Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.😁
Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
“Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?”
why would-
“It’s because they’re sold by weight-“
Dan, NO
“not by volume”
I think they could have phrased this better
*picks up rotary phone*
Nine (ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta)
One (ta)Murderer: Lol
I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.
“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.
… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”
I noticed the trim on one of our garage doors was hanging weirdly. I figured no big deal as these are pretty old garage doors so I started to fix it…
5 yo: Mommy did that.
Me: Did what?
5 yo: She hit that with her car.
Me: Wow bro. Sold out your own mother.
[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.
Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
My MIL is savage. She got into an argument with her husband while we were staying at their house, and when I posted photos of our weekend with them, she liked each of my photos except the one he was in.
My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.
Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
Here is a little money saving tip that I’ve learned: If you spend all of your money on tattoos, then technically, your money will be with you forever.
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs
soldier: is that a picture of your love?
me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah
Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.