A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”
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Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
omg my backyard is so spooky at night! the crickets, the raccoons, the old woman with no eyes in the white veil, the frogs etc
[looking through my closet]
Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?
Me: 1991
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.
I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy
[speed dating]
I enjoy gardening. I’ve got a bit of a green thumb. Actually several of my fingers are discolored. I think I have diabetes.
[Funeral]
He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”
The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the worldBanana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
Just got every hair on my body waxed off except eyebrows and head. I look like a naked mole rat.
Men, come & get me if you’re into rodents.
My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*
I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.
Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*
My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
ME: “Nemo” is Latin for “no one,” so in essence he is searching for nothing, a spectre. His voyage crosses many planes, into the depths of the underworld, led by a fool who speaks riddles. He is King Lear lost in the storm, but also Dante traversing Hell
MY CHILDREN: We hate you
So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too lateBananas
[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.