Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.
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I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
I have been lowering the tone for so long now that I am effectively operating solely in infrasound frequencies which can only be heard by whales.
And they are appalled.
Wife: Do you think something is wrong with our toddler?
Me: Yeah but to be fair I think something is wrong with EVERY toddler.
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
Ok team, today we’re …..oh
My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
[at restaurant]
me, in my head: i want the pasta. i want the pasta. i want the pasta.
waiter: what can i get you?
me: *scrambling to open menu* uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i’ll have the uhhhhhhhhhh
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun
the small neighbor human and i. have been working on a puzzle. for quite some time. we only have one piece left. but we can’t find it anywhere. i hope i didn’t eat it. that sounds like something i might do
Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
“My husband’s a talented voice actor & his brother’s a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person” -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire
ME: I’d like a free burrito
CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free
ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one
good work, everybody
Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it
When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.
[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me
Maced a hobo who started pulling cables out of my computer at work.
Turned out to be the hipster IT guy and now I’m in HR again.
I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense