Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.
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by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.
[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try
Friend: what are you doing for VD?
Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Friend: Valentine’s Day…
Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
Spider-Man: I climb like a spider and shoot webs to prevent crime!
Ant-Man: I shrink to the size of an ant to defeat enemies!
Cowboy: I uh
Spider-Man: Go on!
Cowboy *quietly* I have 4 stomachs
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
Instead of throwing cheese at babies, I would like to gently lay a piece of cheese over a sleeping mouse like a blankie, then when he wakes up, it’s like a bed & breakfast.
Me: I love spicy foods – the explosion of flavor; the tingling burn that creeps from the back of my throat to my lips; the endorphin rush from the delicious pain that makes me feel alive!!
Also Me: OW OW OW MY CAP’N CRUNCH ISN’T SOGGY ENOUGH YET WHYYYYYYYYYYY
90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.
Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy
My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy
All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.
[ from bed ]
*accio coffee*
damnit it didn’t work again
my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN
Me: I’ve found a needle in the haystack! Only took 3 hours.
Her: no this is a 3/4 inch, I need a 5/8’s.
Me: *begins searching again* you really need a better place to store these.
After 35, your body ages in dog years
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: I can’t wait to see my wife again
PIRATE: Land Ho!
FIRST MATE: Now look, that’s a little rude
Something Saturday.
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
Oh Good..the Cats replacement head is here
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.
told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco
Why is Gorgeous the only thing you can be Drop-Dead. I wanna be drop-dead silly. Let my enemies crumble before me, overcome by the depths of my whimsy