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everywhere a sign. ⚠️
Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?
I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”
Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.
Do I speak Spanish?
Oui!
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
I’m not saying I was a gullible child but my sister once gave me a pair of scissors and said our grandma needed me to trim the carpet in her bedroom.
therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though
It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.
If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.
Thanks for reading.
Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.
Me to Kids: …and so the princess married the first person who asked her, and that’s called ‘settling,’ can you say ‘never settle,’ children?
Husband, walking in: What the- what kind of bedtime story is THAT?
Me, fleeing room: And they all lived happilyeveraftergoodnight!
Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”
if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.
Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.
[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.
God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*
I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy
6. me as a lawyer
My child: Picks cookie with the most icing
Also my child: Won’t eat the cookie unless every bit of extra icing is carefully scraped off