Me: *clapping enthusiastically*
You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho
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How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom
Been on hold so long I can’t remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn’t really narrow it down much.
[hospital]
Looks like ur Vine went viral.
“Yay!”
Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease.
“So wait–my Vine didn’t go viral?”
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.
A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.
felt cute might bury dad later idk
Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.
Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”
[laying in bed at 2am]
ME: hey siri do they still make grape nuts
SIRI: jesus christ go to sleep
Spice up grocery lists for your partner:
Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
“It started out with a Kiss, how did it end up like this?”- Me, after eating an entire bag of Hershey’s chocolate.
Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?
changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded
School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.
I hate when I’m playing air guitar and I break an air string.
Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away
5: Mom, look at me!
Me: I’m in the shower
5: Look at me!
Me: I can’t!
5: Because you’re in the shower?
Me: Yes!
5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudgesMe: And how is my eraser?
I took my dog to have his anxiety checked out and the veterinarian examined him and told me he’s a very good boy, and then she prescribed two margaritas for me
Alien: Take me to your leader.
Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.