People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
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so I’m driving back from the shops and I see someone walking a corgi, and it’s pretty quiet so obviously I pull over to say hi, because, you know, corgi, and lads I had fully parked the car and gotten out before I realised
that the person was my husband and the corgi is my corgi
Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
Kids always throw their shoes as far apart as possible when they take them off, like you’ll find one on their bedroom floor and one on top of the fridge, it’s madness
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
Top three meanings of “I was just joking”
3. I was just joking.
2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.
1. She looks angry, abort!
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.
Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great
Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you
Me: *through tears* Decomposer.
[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”
Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.
I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?
FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death
ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me
FUTURE-COP: W-
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.
*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*
This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…
I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Millennial: I put a film of me opening a shoe box on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.
If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not