Idea: “Celebrity Price Is Right” where Gwyneth Paltrow guesses that loaves of bread cost $460
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PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…
What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..
Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings
Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.
My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
So many village idiots. So few dragons.
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day
Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
A: You look for the fresh prints!
I’ll show myself out y’all
[Safari]
“Remember, when you’re near water beware of wild hippos.”Don’t worry, I’m prepared for that.
*shows handful of white marbles*
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]
HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!
M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?
Expert: your husband?
Woman: that’s right. Len.
Expert: well, as you can see Len’s flipping up men’s ties and if you look closely… there, see how he’s slipping potatoes into people’s bags? This is an activity we call ‘hi jinx’.
Woman: I thought it might be!The Antics Roadshow
My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
There is wisdom there.
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth
[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]
HER: So what kind of car do you drive?
ME: A bookmobile.
Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
Oh god I decided to look cute instead of wearing stretchy clothes and now I’m being bisected by the waistband of my pants and I have such regrets