I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
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Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT THE LAST 4 TIMES:
-Sad
-Embarrassing
-Pretended it was a scheduling issue but they knew I was lyingCANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT TODAY:
-Brave
-Iconic
-Protecting the world by not letting a stranger put his fingers in my mouth
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?
“order in the court!”
*Bangs gavel*
Chicken wings, your honor!
[after 3 months in prison]
I think the joke was worth it.
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes
In 2009, Stephen Hawking hosted an open party for everyone, but only publicized it after it was over; so only time-travelers would know to attend.
As he expected, no one came.
For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.
After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.
Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.
American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.
What’s the best treatment for a persistent cough? Honey? Hot tea? That cough medicine that knocks you out cold for 14 hours? New pair of shoes? Three week vacation? I am willing to try anything, especially that last one
ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?
Mom there’s a boogie man in my closet!
*mom looks and I’m standing there with an afro in a satin shirt and platform shoes
They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
[at auto shop]
MECHANIC: can I help you?
ME: my car won’t start
MECHANIC: umm, that’s a horse
ME: because my car won’t start, are you even listening?
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
I hate when people ask me what I meant by something. Listen, I have no idea. I’m as confused here as you are.
We’re both learning what I’m about to say at the exact same time.
teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle
me: that thing with the harp and wings
teacher: never mind