Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.
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Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”
I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween
Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?
Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.
Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!
Me: Funny how?
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
I’m exhausted. There was a local FB person who posted an angry rant about not liking people who use “fowl language” & you have NO idea how much self-discipline it took for me yesterday to NOT respond with a comment full of bird puns.
what’s really going on
“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
Me: My first wife loved this movie.
Wife: I AM your first wife!
Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?
Ok so the rule is if it’s a vowel sound use ‘an’ and if it’s a consonant sound use “a”. Give it a try.
This is an useful exercise.
-Oh uh not that one.We’ve been doing this for over a hour.
-Not that either.Please don’t give me a F
-Nerp.Can I still get a MBA?
-Noop.
what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes
I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors
People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*
Me: you know you could refill it
Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own
Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?
Husband: omg are you?
Me: I hate you
My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.
school taught me a lot of useless stuff but nothing tops state capitals. if i’m ever in a career that depends on me knowing where Delaware’s governor works i have made some serious missteps in life
Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
Today’s short poem is called ‘Passwords’.
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
[first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]