7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified
7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials
You Might Also Like
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie
My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?
i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports
A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..
Dude is taking me out of town for my birthday this weekend. He won’t tell me where we’re going but he has a shovel and 3 bags of lime in his truck so I’m thinking somewhere outside like maybe hiking.
Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here
Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?
When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now
“god has a plan for you” ok well i have some notes for him
Paint me like one of your French girls….
With a big fat croissant in my mouth
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?
ME: You’re an uber!
SON: No, with your phone
ME: Oh, sorry [types]
SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
[harry potter, college edition]
Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-
Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already
Voldemort: wh-what
Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications
Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind
Relationship stress can make you very confused!
Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
One day, some dude was all “You know where we should save our money? Inside a statue of a pig,” and everybody went “That is a GREAT idea.”
Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?
I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.
If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.
“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”