I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
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[lumberjack interview]
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!
Oldest child: Here are 100 pictures of me as a baby eating oatmeal.
Youngest child: Here are the 7 pictures of me as a child.
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering
Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.
michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe
Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
“what that mouth do?” complain
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?
my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination
I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
He’s cranky this morning
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.
Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s
Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.
CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…
Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP
Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.
Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.
Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.
[5 seconds later]
Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!