Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
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Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
why am i having trouble navigating this map??
None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.
I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.
If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen
HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!
ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.
Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-
Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?
My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.
I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC
[broken down by the side of the road]
ME: I think it’s the carburetor.
WIFE: You sure?
ME: Absolutely.
WIFE: Do you even know what that is?
ME: Of course.
WIFE: What does a carburetor do?
ME: It carburetes.
We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.
[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
Therapist: What’s the issue?
Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club
Therapist: You want to talk about it?
Me: That’s right
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil
My goal is to do one thing each day that could prevent me from being elected to political office
Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms
Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?
Me: just my cat
*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*
Mom: why are you using drugs???
Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
5 told me she was really sad but didn’t want to say why so I said if she talks about it, it might make her feel better and she said “I’m sad because there’s no caramel cheese” and now we’re both sad
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.
I’m so full I could puke a horse
You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.
The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.
“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
Ffs laughed out loud 😂