4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
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How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???
Baking is just science you can eat.
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
urinal cakes? what’s next? urinal muffins and cookies? urinal brownies? urinal tarts? an entire unexplored world out there
*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
we’re gonna need another temp
HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages
My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water
Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…
If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.
2014: maybe 2015 will be better
2015: maybe 2016 will be better
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
You’ve just ordered Pizza Hut and a 2L Mountain Dew. You’ve loaded up Diablo on your PC. No school tomorrow. Your parents don’t care if you stay up all night long. A perfect Summer night. You are 39 years old. The year is 2023.
Weighing up my bread heating options
My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
Owl Sanctuary
My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
dr: why
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life
meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat
movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.