Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
You Might Also Like
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.
Naming my first daughter Piggleigh Wiggleigh.
Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same
A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
First woman on Moon:
-Huston, we have a problem?
What?
-Never mind
What’s the problem?
-Nothing
Please tell us?
-You know what’s the problem
I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker
chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all
me: not tonight, my friend
I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food
ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”
I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.
I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship
My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
[interview]
“How would you describe your people skills?”
ME: I tend to drive others away.
“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”
Waiter: Can I see your ID?
Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.
Waiter: What would you like to drink?
H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.