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Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.
ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats
MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty
ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do
Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.
Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines
For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar
Friend: That’s foreboding
Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me
[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
I’m confused about plants
Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”
According to some “experts” called “doctors”…
You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.
Whatever.
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia
Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
Turkey Homocide Detective 1: That’s the 73rd turkey head today.
THD2: What’s the perp doin’ with the bodies?
THD1: No idea. Hey, the farmer’s calling us over. Is he holding a bloody ax?
THD2: He found the murder weapon! We should wrap this case up quick! I bet it’s the duck.
A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.