*glamorously folds laundry
*seductively wipes off countertops
*slowly bends over to pick up toys
*sexily trips over the cat…
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Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything
Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?
Dinner time:
*opens fridge & stares
*moves to cabinet & stares
*moves back to fridge & lowers standards
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby
ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.
If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
[sees friend at the store]
“Hi”
Hey
“Where’s your better half?”
The PS4’s at home
“No I mean-”
Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.
the chicken was already gone when I got here
My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!
Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!
Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year
Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.
tis the season
Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
TRUE STORY
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.
[ First day as a British comedy account ]
I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
4: mommy? *takes bite*
Me: yes, love?
4: *chewing* I’m hungry.
Me: …I have good news
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.