My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.
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I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.
“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership
“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want
Me: I could survive in the wild.
Wife: It took you 9 minutes to open a bag of chips.
Hopefully wild game isn’t wrapped in plastic.
How wrong was this guy?
[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me:
Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird
I have fired anyone at the company who has asked about the loud crying coming from my office
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
I thought secret rooms would play a bigger role in my adult life. Like the kind of room you access by pulling a book on a shelf or pressing a certain stone on a wall or pulling on a sconce. Also where are all the trap doors?
Hostage negotiator: I don’t quite get your demands.
I’m a total go with the flow kinda person as long as the flow is meticulously scheduled well in advance and there are no mid-flow changes whatsoever
This chloroform smells expensiv…
*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*
If there was any question as to what kind of teenager my 7yo will be, last night she pulled out a toy cellphone and started pretend texting during her own bedtime story