HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
You Might Also Like
Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?
Me: Every night
Priest: What’s their favorite part?
Me: When Frodo destroys the ring
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.
Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm
Tony the Tiger: great
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?
Raise your kids to question all assumptions so one day your 10 y/o daughter can correctly point out that, “nobody ever said anything about Humpty Dumpty being an egg.”
*goes to watch youtube vid*
BUFFER
well okay *lifts weights*
*checks again*
BUFFER
*does steroids*
BUFFER
“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”
ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
Husband, opening our kitchen drawer while asking, “Do we know where the scissors have disappeared?” Looks around and promptly closes the drawer.
Me, opening the same kitchen drawer without looking in, hands him the scissors.
>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled
My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling
I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?
Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line
So I was sitting in a recliner in my underwear, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos minding my own business and freaking Walmart calls the cops!
dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife
Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.
ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down
THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –
Me: And I must never open it?
Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up
god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again