Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
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AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses
ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something
9: Can I rent an otter?
Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.
I pray every night that I never become religious…
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour
When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”
For the record Tom is just a friend.
When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?
Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.
salesman: you’ll like this car
me: how many dogs fit in it
salesman: how many what
me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before
ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.
I hate to brag, but I just had some sizzling hot, steamy action in the shower.
(Tried to clear the drain with baking soda, vinegar and boiling water)
Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.
People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
1. Wear a black shirt
2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.
3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
when you tell me to do something I was already about to do