Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
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She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*
[taking immortality pills]
wife: but wont we get bored of eternal life?
me: dont worry, we’ll have each other..
*we swallow the pills*
me: i can still see it in your hand
Look, if Jesus had risen from the grave, it should’ve been how to tell us how to get boiled eggs peeled perfectly.
Things that interrupt sex:
20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp
me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so
sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade
Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.
Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.
Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction
i wish we could shoplift online
When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha
When you put “This page intentionally left blank” in a report, the page is no longer blank. Thank you for coming to my Pedantic Ted Talk.
For my birthday all I want is for folks to strengthen friendships with old friends cus I’ve lost quite a few in the last few years and that saddens me. Also maybe a Camaro.
I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
Using the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” only shows that you’re unoriginal and know nothing about spinal cord injuries.
When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.
1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.
Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.