[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
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Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
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How to be a beautiful woman*:
– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws*Awesome dragon
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant
“I know it takes an egg and sperm to make a baby, but how do they mix together?”
– My 7yo, right before I received that urgent phone call
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.
[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”
*2 weeks later
[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“
JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
X-tra spooky blend
Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040
I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
Me: Am I the only one you’ve ever slept with?
Wife: Absolutely… the others were at least sevens and there was a TEN OMG!
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
and this one
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old: The dog.
When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”
[commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?
Her: I always knew I was going to be a mummy. I feel like I’ve been preparing for this my whole life. Is that the same for you?
Me: Well, I gained the baby weight preemptively if that counts?
[homeschooling]
ME: what is 345 minus 127?
DAUGHTER: 218
ME: *filling out tax form* thanks