He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
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A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
People act all namby-pamby while dating, then wonder why divorce rates are so high. Stop chatting about the weather and start asking the real questions, people. How do you feel about lace curtains? Will you cheat on me if I let myself go? Do you check your brake lines regularly?
Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same.
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
Hey kids, please don’t wash the 13 glasses you’ve already left in the sink. Just grab a clean one next time you’re thirsty.
fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring
[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.
So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.
[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]
moth driving: omg
moth wife: Harold no we have a baby
moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD
The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.
Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.
like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.
Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.
Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!
Me: I’m a haredresser
Person: oh cool what’s it like cutting hair?
Me: *dressing a bunny in a tuxedo* doing what?
When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:
*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention
*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going
*someone dropped a penny
Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws
A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this