If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
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Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise
My laptop: *memory is low*
Me, in my 40’s: “you and me both, buddy”
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
I am also baked goods
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that
I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.
A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
Mary brought in donuts.
Jim took the only Boston Cream.
Jim knows those are my favorites.
I slipped a laxative into Jim’s coffee.
I pulled the fire alarm.
We are on the 39th floor.
Jim should learn to be more considerate.
[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*
*unhooking milker from my gorilla*
wife: still no glue?
There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
In the bathroom stall and written on the bottom of the door, ” Beware of Limbo Dancers” I wanted to star it and re-stall it one door over.
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium
Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.
[8am, phone rings]
Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.
Me: No worries, I have vodka.
I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.
Me: More fur & these cute little whisk-
Police Sketch artist: you’re describing a cat
Me: please his birthday is today & he loves portraits
Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.
HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.
ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
Me: Did we get a bunch of new cups?
Wife: No. Our daughter brought them all down from her room.
Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.
3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.
Me: cool.
3yo: cool.
ME *enters new password*
COMPUTER: Ok
M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?
C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind