My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story
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Me: I am a man of substance.
Motion-activated faucet: No.
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.
PEAK POKEMON DESIGN
Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?
Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
[job interview]
Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?
“Yes”
WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
Him: Could you be any more annoying?
Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.
Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”
anime mfs be like “i promise it gets better just wait till episode 561 bro”
Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”
Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”
They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now
The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.
Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.
I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.
Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
“Daddy, I-”
*presses button for soundproof backseat divider
Wife: “HOW MUCH DID-”
*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider
I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food
Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*
*3 running a brush through my hair*
3: I’m making your hair pretty
Me: Thank you
3: instead of so ugly
Me: