Oh wow, she’s so whimsical and fun. Ope, I’m wrong. She’s just plastered in the middle of the day.
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I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.
Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
My stepmother asking me exactly how many chicken nuggets to make for my kids like lady it could be 15 or 0 do I look like some kind of psychic
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
[6 ½ hour car ride]
Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.
Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*
Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.
Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
daughter: do I have to brush?
me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?
daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
“What’s funny?”
The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.
“Why’s that funny?”
Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.
What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
If Ross Geller and George Costanza were in the same room with Sheldon Cooper, Michael Scott, and Kimmy Gibbler, they still wouldn’t be as annoying as you.
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]
Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.
Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.
How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.