Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]
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Me: *explains idea*
Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever
Me:*clears throat*
*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*
Boss: Brilliant!
It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer
Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.
It’s called “Camera”.
If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.
who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
Him: What are you doing?
Me: *trapped in a fitted sheet* I was swallowed whole by a sheet.
Him: Do you need help?
Me: I’m just going to accept my fate and lay here.
Him: You’re napping, aren’t you?
Me: Soooo doomed.
My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.
Worked a treat.
Got me twenty years.
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.
Inventing The Octopus-
God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?
You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY
*teaching 13 to cut the grass
Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?
13: Yep
13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time
HER: you mean ‘ravages’?
ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me
6. me as a lawyer
“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”
Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.
HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.
The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.