When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
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welcome to janurary 32nd everyone
NPR Presents “8-Armed Bandits: Why Octopi Can’t Be Trusted”
– a cephalopodcast
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.
barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
Food was bad, cabins were dirty, everyone but me was gruesomely killed. Liked the paddle boats. 1/2 star. -Yelp review of Camp Crystal Lake
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.
this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:
Me: wanna play would you rather?
Her: sure
Me: ok would you rather have a cat or a giraffe named Genevieve who can help out around the house
[gutter rattles in the backyard]
Her: *narrows eyes*
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?
Him: *disables smoke alarm*
Banker: So, you’d like a loan, to start an all marsupial fighting championship?
Me: Yes. I call it Mortal Wombat.
Banker:
Me:
Banker: I’m in.
throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
Ok, it’s nearly 3.30 am here, someone give me some good sleeping tips! If I don’t answer you know they’ve worked!
What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.
When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
surgeon: scalpel.
me: careful, it’s sharp! haha
[everyone screams]
me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke
My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.
Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.
How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?
At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.