My five-year old grandson responded, “Not again!” when I asked if he’d like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.
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I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second
I feel like my heart’s been ripped out and my soul eaten by a herd of wild cats whenever anyone accuses me of being overly dramatic.
I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.
[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.
money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas
I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.
I take after my dad.
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
Female body types:
Pear
Apple
Hourglass
Stick
Platypus bill
Wormhole
Googly eye
Knives
Abyss
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]
My mom: Easter is at noon on Sunday.
Me: I’m not religious but I’m pretty sure Easter is all day.
Tonight I yelled, “YOU ARE NOT A ZOMBIE. YOU ARE DOING HOMEWORK,” so everything’s pretty normal here.
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”
I told my date I was depressed. I added, “not like cut my inner thigh depressed, but sleep with you even though I don’t like you depressed.”
new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge
Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself
Me: I see
Gf: Are you gonna over-react?
Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do
Ex Gf: what
Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.