The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six
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If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*
Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.
I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.
Guess we’re both living the dream.
i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit
The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open
[the city, seeing a marching band]
DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?
ME: i’m 6
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
[First day, CSI]
Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in
How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.
Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*
I learned about self care from watching my cat.
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.
It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life
Jehovahs Witnesses: do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?
Me: of course! please come in!
[door slams shut and locks]
[lights dim]
[my PowerPoint presentation begins]Me: but first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?
Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.
A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?
You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.
Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*
Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.
Me: But-
Wife: Everyone.
Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*
I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?