playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”
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Top names for pet grasshopper:
• Jerry Springer
• hoptimus prime
• Legatron
• Jumpford & sons
• meredith
• billy BOIIIING thorton
• beyouncé
Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.
I’m babysitting my 2 yr old nephew today and when I told him he couldn’t eat ice cream for breakfast he told me “you’re not my best friend anymore” so we compromised and now he’s on his second bowl of ice cream and I’ve gained the title “best friend in the whole wide world”
I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
[job interview]
What’s your biggest weakness?
Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.
[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it
I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.
none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
This is always good for a laugh.
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
*me struggling with life*
I guess I should start watching a new show.
“You think I’m smart, right?”
Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
On my flight today I woke up from a nap & an attendant was walking down the aisle holding a pug, saying “we found this pug. Whose pug is this??” And for 3 hours we all just took turns holding the mystery pug until a verrrry stoned man in the last row woke up & was like “Roscoe?!”
So, I got banned from the toy store today…
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume
If you’re a couple who sit on the same side of the booth, I’mma slide into the empty seat and eat your fries. Stop creeping everyone out.
“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”
[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets