When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
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If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.
Genie: “You have three wishes.”
Me: “I wish for a burrito with guacamole.”
Genie: “Okay but the guac counts as your second wish.”
People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.
My sports team is better than your sports team!
“Is not!”
Is too!
“IS NOT!”
*pulls out giant foam finger*
Whoa man, be cool
*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”
Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.
Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?
Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones
Me: how’d you get out of the casket
Her: Something’s changed in here.
Me: I put a new bulb in.
Her: Well it’s not very bright
Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
Sunday
If I’m struggling to write new jokes, I find it helps to go on a long walk. Sooner or later I’ll meet someone who hasn’t heard my old jokes.
“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”
she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
“Just dashing to the shops”
Woman [showers, washes hair, styles hair, puts on make up, chooses outfit, irons clothes]
Man [grabs car keys]
IF YOUR GIRLFRIEND ASKS IF YOU WOULD STILL LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM, JUST SAY YES. SHE WILL NEVER BE A WORM. YOU WILL NEVER ACTUALLY HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT. BUT YOU WILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE GIRLFRIEND WHO THINKS YOU WOULDN’T LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM AND SHE IS MAD
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.
“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
[getting car jacked] umm i know i’m supposed to resist and all but if we don’t cooperate we’re both gonna miss McDonalds breakfast so hop in