You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
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I think I’m having a stroke
My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
[Wrench factory]
BOSS: I’m proud to say it’s been 250 days without an injury!
WORKERS: *celebrate by tossing all the wrenches into the air *
my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.
So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
Getting closure is important.
*lies on bed to zip up jeans*
How you can tell a writer has no siblings:
“Hey, little bro / little sis.“
How you can tell a writer has siblings:
“Hey, loser. Mom called.”
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain
cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts
cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?
Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
*1941 movie pitch*
“So it’s about an elephant w/big ears and we call him stupid then torture his mother.”
Walt Disney, “I smell a winner.”
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table
waiter: white or red
me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers
[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”
boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer
[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
ME: how old are you?
EGG AND CHEESE SANDWICH UNDER A GAS STATION HEAT LAMP AT 8 PM: im breakfast
ME: and how long have you been breakfast?
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work
“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”
– How to put on glasses.
My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”
I had a dream I was driving and following my friend to her house. But she kept making turns from wrong lanes and I was trying to keep up with her
And then I realized “oops that’s not my friend and I’ve been following a stranger and probably scaring them” lol
a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
Thank you automatic ice dispenser.
I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.