Story of my life…..
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I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.
Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!
Also family: Have a baby 🙂
HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.
Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.
[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*
I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist
Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.
Took my 8 year old to the Grand Canyon and people asked why I didn’t bring my toddler.
If you know my toddler, and you’ve been to the Grand Canyon you will have your answer.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number
For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.
Probably.
Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”
“$3.23.”
“Oh, and a bottle of water.”
“$87.54. Please drive thru.”
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.