i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
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1: Can I do the cancan?
2: You mean may, not can
1: Can I do the canmay?
2: No, the first can
1: Can I do the maycan?
2: No. May I do the cancan
1: No
Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.
My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.
I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.
“I’m Sorry”
And
“My Bad”Mean The Same Thing.
Unless You’re At A Funeral.
this came to me in a vision
Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.
*Husband forgets to close screen on door*
*4 hrs later*
Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*
Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”
“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”
[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]
Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”
I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔
Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….
…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here
me: haha yeah
demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans
*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”
How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.
Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old
THEN WHY IS HE WEARING A BOWTIE? I WANT TO GIVE HIM SPAGHETTI
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.
PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]