Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
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Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!
Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?
Golf would be better with landmines.
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶
quarantine day 1: filet mignon with bordelaise sauce, charred asparagus and roasted garlic fingering potatoes
quarantine day 5: entire bag of stale marshmallows
quarantine day 7: tequila
Medical form: Height?
Me: It depends on whether I’m wearing my hair in a man bun.
Medical form: Sex?
Me: Not since I started wearing my hair in a man bun.
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.
HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!
My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*
Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?
Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge
Sis:
M:
S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high
my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps
If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.
STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
Me: ok
*nun screams*
thank god 50 shades of grey got the R rating they wanted because what kid under 18 wouldn’t want to watch 50 shades of grey with a parent
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.
Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog