If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
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Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.
The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.
*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?
[end of interview]
Any questions for me?
Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?
YOU ARE SO HIRED.
Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.
I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
{Olive Garden}
Husband:”Everyone is staring at us.”Me:(In a luchador mask and pink feather boa)”It’s probably because you said no cheese.”
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way
I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.
Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.