Worth remembering.
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I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.
4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.
Bought coffee flavoured ice cream hoping the kids would hate it and I could have it all but NOPE! Joke’s on me!
Curse you,
gloriously divine Häagen-Dazs in literally any flavour.
Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.
*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine*
Girl: Aw that’s so sweet
*Pulls out a pickaxe*
Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!
Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
Zombies never bite hipsters.
They taste fine.
We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.
Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.
Every night when you sleep,I sneak into your house, full of desire.
I then reduce the amount of marshmallowy treats in your cereal&go home.
I find joy in the small things now, like a pair of cardinals at the bird feeder or seeing my douchehole neighbor trip over his garden hose.
WIFE: Please take the trash out
ME: Ok
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF
IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
[Command Center]
*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?
When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.
May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.