Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
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When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.
I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am
[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.
Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?
*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby
Even when food is heaven on Earth
my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.
My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer
*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
My neck my back my allergy attack
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions?
“Can I shower with this cast?”
DOCTOR: What do you think, guys?
PHOEBE, JOEY, CHANDLER, MONICA: Sure!
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
men: i like the natural no makeup look
me: that natural look took more makeup than bozo the clown
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂
LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea
I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.
Wife: our house is a mess, we should throw some stuff out. I’ll start with the bedr-
Me: DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BED RUM!
Drugs don’t ruin lives
Drug tests do
[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!
Emails are always signed like, “thanks” or, “best regards”
I’m going to sign mine, “you’ll live to regret this”
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!