I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
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Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
Friend: Man, it’s hot. Thank god for AC, right?
Me: I don’t have air conditioning.
Friend: How do you stay cool?
Me: *Slips on sunglasses & leather jacket; vapes; engages Heelys and rolls away*
Friend: Holy shit.
[aircraft carrier]
*paints a T on the helipad*
Captain: No it has to have an H
Me: Why?
*train sounds approaching*
Captain: Oh dear god
PILOT: we’ll be experiencing some cabin pressure changes
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: *sits down next to me* so have you thought about going back to school
I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”
There stupid…
We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move
The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.
based al yankovic
The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block
I know a sign from God when I see one
Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?
“if anyone has reason why this man and this woman should not be wed speak now or forever hold your peace”
*voice in back*
does he even lift?
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor*
Wife walks in: “WHAT HAPPENED?”
“A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house”
Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.
1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.
it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
2023 was just a warmup
In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
This is your gentle reminder that one time in the Bible Elijah was like “God, I’m so mad! I want to die!” so God said “Here’s some food. Why don’t you have a nap?” So Elijah slept, ate, & decided things weren’t so bad. Never underestimate the spiritual power of a nap & a snack.
Server: Would you like to try our new cauliflower pizza crust?
Me: No, I-
Server: Cauliflower soda?
Me: I just wanted to-
Server: [Nudging forward a very pale man] Your new cauliflower husband
I have a PhD
Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem
[karate tournament]
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*
I wasted so many years trying to fit in, covering my accent, starving myself, straightening my hair, and trying to make others like me. The moment i realized that wasn’t freedom and said NO MORE, my entire life changed!! We are always enough as we are❤️
him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?
[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”