My dad hates spicy food, but he loves the show Hot Ones, which I imagine he watches like a horror movie. “No! Don’t eat the next wing! It’s a trap!”
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[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni
Here’s a common scam that is going around that you should know about:
Sometimes cats will meow at you like they haven’t been fed, but in fact someone DID feed them and they’re just trying to get fed again
whatcha thinkin bout
Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times
For the love of God, if you leave me a voicemail, don’t just say “Call me back.” Tell me what it’s in regards to so I can prepare my defense
Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.
[Deathbed]
Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo
Frodo: yes Gandalf?
Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say
Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?
Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good
I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.
–me on house hunters
not hearing back from people right away:
2002 – (two days later) They’re probably busy or out of town. I’ll catch up with them later.
2022 – (ten minutes later) ok clearly we are in a fight I didn’t know about
That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-
Vampire: wow
Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-
Vampire: WOW
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.
[at the opera]
Date: this is going on forever
Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing
This is my emotional support chloroform rag
this will hang in the louvre one day
i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.
My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week
COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. righty-tighty, lefty-loosey
her: what?
me: what?
I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.