My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.
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My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.
90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.
I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!
I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
My 6-year-old wouldn’t stop playing “the floor is lava” so I put a pair of socks on him and told them they were lava-proof, and now he’s mad because I’m the one “making things up”.
Make your daily standup meeting shorter
17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*
Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
Men: Remember that time…
Women: Yes
No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
“French town to register all local dogs’ DNA to cut mess left on streets. Database will find wrongdoers & fine them.” No fines yet but so far six Poodles have found out they are half Borzoi, two Corgis found their birth mothers, and a Maltese is suing a Pug for child support.
I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation
Wife: Hey can you-
Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.
Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.
*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”
Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?
Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!Eating microwaved leftovers.
After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.
Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.
Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.
freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later
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My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.