“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles
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has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
when someone calls you and you miss the call but you call them back literally one second later and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did you drop your telephone in a well. did you get axe murdered.
[First Date]
Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.
Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.
[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
Crested mynas, as many other birds, are born altricially, which means young are underdeveloped at the time of birth, therefore fed by parents. When they grow up, they have to learn that food doesn’t simply jump into their beaks [📽️: Rebecca Gelernter]
I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.
In truth, spiders are harmless*
*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.
My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.
Me: You ate radishes.
Friend: How can you tell?
Me: You’re burping them.
F: They were really good radishes.
Me: Not from where I’m standing.
“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.
But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.
“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”
But on he worked.
And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”
MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit
I wish this was real life…
If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
Mrs. Potato Head: OH MY GOD!
Mr. Potato Head: What?
Mrs. PH: Your browser history.
Mr. PH: I can explain!
Mrs. PH: TATER TOTS YOU PERVERT?!?
Gonna spend the day staring at the Sun. Eclipse practice.
4yo: Mom found this house and no one was home there, so we just went in.
Him: You… just went in?
4yo: Yeah. Just looked around at their stuff.
(A museum. I took them to a museum.)
ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u
I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.
lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.
Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
My daughter’s school was closed for fog.
Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”