the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
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My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine
Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.
Very good! 👍😂
*judge bangs gavel*
Ok let’s reconvene after a quick 20 min recess
*immediately knocks over defense attorney to get to the slide first*
My dinosaur expert child just schooled me
Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?
5yo: They have different names
I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .
If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.
If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious
Amen
Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.
Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.
An OnlyFans but for bedtime stories.
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized
I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers
When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible
Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?
Me: 69.
Interviewer: That’s not even close.
Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?
Me: Why don’t we have a nice, romantic bubble bath?
Him: Sounds amazing*flash forward*
Him: I thought we’d be taking the bubble bath together
Me: (from the other tub) My tub is too small for two, you know that. And say “over” when you’re done talking on the walkie, babe