My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox
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I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare
[One hour past bedtime]
[3 year-old yelling from his bed]: PAPA!
Me: YES?
3: [Points to chair] Sit with me.
Me: I would LOVE to but the monster, that eats kids who don’t sleep, hates that chair being warm.
3:
Me [Finger guns] Goodnight kiddo.
Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me
Interviewer: a job-related weakness…
[movie casting]
ME: I’m here for the stuntman job
“Do you have any experience?”
ME: No, but I took a…
“Please don’t”
ME: …crash course
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics
Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE
Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
[spelling bee]
Your word is “pneumonia”.
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course, you can use any word in a sentence. No more hints.
Not me DoorDashing Taco Bell at 330am and messaging the driver “Please don’t ring the doorbell and wake people up. I don’t want to share.”
Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.
Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close
every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong
I’ve got a black eye, a $200 fine and I’ve been listed on a register…turns out taking candy from a baby wasn’t so easy after all.
TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.
My grandfathers were WWII heroes and I get anxiety if I don’t know the intricacies and protocols of the entire dining establishment I’m picking up take out from at least 24 hours in advance. I’m mapping it out on a chalkboard like a lil nervous Eisenhower.
MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
Me: *dies*
My kids: *taking out Ouija board*
H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
Just learned that the main guy from the Sopranos was named Tony Soprano what’s next you’re gonna tell me the guy from True Detective is called Tony True Detective c’mon