[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
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Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.
*People do special things for my birthday*
Me: Oh thank God.
Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.
A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”
That seems sus.
(Extreme Depeche Mode voice): It’s a lot. It’s a lot. It’s a lot…seriously. it’s a parking lot.
{Thomas Edison prank call}
Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*
date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-
“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
1yo: *walking*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
6yo: *riding two-wheeler*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
16yo: *pouring milk into cereal without spilling*
Reasons to not eat cookies:
– there are no cookies
– you’re trapped under something heavy and can’t reach the cookies.End of list
ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was
Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-
ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be
Just wrote “58008” on my calculator app and when I turned it upside-down, it auto-orientated back to the right way up.
I hate the future.
coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions
ME: i miss my friends, today i will text them
MY BRAIN: it might be weird because you haven’t texted in so long
ME: you are right, i will wait a little longer to text them
Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
My first child will be named New Folder.
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco
Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.
My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog
Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.
~inventor of cereal bags probably
cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor
me: i don’t know where dave is
cop: how did you know it was dave
[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
“Gotta wake up early”
*sets alarm for 5am*
*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*
*goes back to sleep*
If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.
[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.
“And you sarge, got anyone special back home?”
“An Internet commentor. Wants me to provide facts against his point. Said he’d wait for me.”
Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.