Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
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i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!
Me: – die.
Yelp review: Dating
You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.
[first day as a paramedic]
How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?
The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
I’m not proud
5yo: Curious George is not a monkey
Me: yes he is
5yo: no he isn’t, he doesn’t have a tail, he’s an ape
Me: he definitely has a— *googling pics of Curious George* omg
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
A doctor’s 5 minutes is longer than a woman’s 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she’ll back in be 5 minutes…you’re screwed.
Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
I’m half potato on my dad’s side
UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?
so a US company has to buy tiktok or the app will be banned??? Well folks, looks like we need to put on the best talent show this town has ever seen.
It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.
When friends or family ask me if I’m going to have another baby, I just gesture at the chaos of my life and yell, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?”
i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite
It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.
My lockdown lifestyle is like that of the wife of an as-yet-undiscovered serial killer in the 70’s.
– home alone daily in a housedress / nightgown
– making ice in trays
– doing housework
– going through old boxes wondering where did all this weird women’s jewelry come from
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.