Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI
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I have 2 small kids, so yes, I bought the Costco-size box of Snackpack chocolate pudding…
to hide in the back of the fridge & eat alone
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
I used to think the key to small talk was always having something to say (difficult) but now I think the key is being genuinely relaxed and putting people at ease (very difficult).
Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
I took two years of anger management courses
Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores
wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.
chatgpt is an answer to the “older cousin deficit” we didn’t know we had. we need someone to tell us, with utmost confidence, that cockroaches can live for 3 years without a head, that smoking peanut shells gets you high, the *truth* about how katanas are made, with no sources.
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
Coworker: You know how some days you just don’t want to go to work?
Me: WAIT! There are days you DO want to be here?!
I’m in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file.
I do not regret the contempt fine I’m about to receive, but this must stop.
Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
[spelling bee]
Judge: your word is tennis
Me: s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s
Judge:
Me:
Judge: please spell it again i lost count
*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.