Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.
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Nurse: Where does it hurt?
Me: *Points to heart*
Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!
Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*
Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.
The government isn’t using twitter to spy on you. They are using EVERYTHING to spy on you. Amazon? Spy. That banana? Spy. Your mom? Spy.
Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.
Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago
Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today
I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet
VERIZON: How’d you get it wet
ME: I talked dirty to it
HIM: ……
ME: Water asshole. How else?
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
CYCLOPS: How do u spell Hawaii?
WIFE [biting lip] well..u need 2 i’s
CYCLOPS [puts pen down] my life is just a joke to u isn’t it Linda
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*
Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.
He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.
*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
Groom: Dude, the invitation was for Gandalf the Grey.
Gandalf: Oh, it’s Gandalf the White now.
Bride: [fuming]
Gandalf: [looks fabulous]
A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.
[karate tournament]
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*
Autocorrect is my menesis
fourth time’s the charm
This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.